Nothing feels as bad as when you plan and plan for a special occasion and the person who you are preparing for doesn't show up...
The rejection I feel just keeps happening. ..
God please help me feel loved again. ..
I don't know how much more I can handle.
It really is a rough thing to get over...
Falling in love with someone who doesn't want to be part of your life. ..
This last year, all I have wanted was to be held in a man's arms, told that I am beautiful and that he loves me....
Will I ever really get what I want...
Ever sence I was a small child, I have dreams of future things, some happen in the natural, some are very foggy and take several dreams for me to put it all together. One thing for sure, if I remember the dream, it's something important, and i am aware of it all the time.
In late July or early August of 2013, i started to dream of a little girl. She was a cute little thing but terrified of something, she kept calling out for her Daddy. ..
It was really dark, and she was standing outside of a house. As I drew closer to her, i noticed a pack of wolves surrounding her. I slowed my pace, and called out to the girl. I asked who her daddy was, and where was he... all she did was sob and call out again.
In late August 2013, i dreamed about the girl again, only this time I saw a man lost out in the woods, he was walking and walking as if he was searching for something or someone. ... i called out to him, he answered, he was looking for his daughter.
I didn't think of the dreams for a few months... but in December 2013 I met Cary... he was someone I could easily talk to by texting, but when I met him face to face, i recognized him from my dream, but the dream made no sence to me anymore. He only had 2 kids, a 22 year old daughter and an 18 year old son... but I knew the dream was about him.
In January of 2014, i dreamed of the little girl again. She was still surrounded by the wolves, but there were less of them... and I saw the man again, it was definitely Cary... but what does it mean?
In February 2014, Cary suffered a family tragedy. The mother of his children, his ex wife had overdosed and she left behind a little girl. A very cute little girl. I knew what she looked like before Cary even sent me a picture, i had her face in to many of my dreams...
A year later, after my first dream of this little girl, I hear that Cary will have custody, if he can find a 4 bedroom house. .
I am at a loss, why am I seeing this little girl, if I am not to be part of her life? Why did I see Cary and fall in love with him, if he is not to be part of my life.
Why do I feel so alone? I wanted to make sure that Cary knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship. Did I scare him off? I just want a real relationship. I miss him so much.
It has been a long time since I have posted. And I have to share a little, ok maybe a lot....
It was just over a year ago I felt my life break apart and there was little I could do about it. My husband of 16 years, on our anniversary received a text from a friend a couple of friends actually. I read the text over and over again, not really believing what I saw. He was talking about their lips together and pleasing each other sexually. Yes I was seeing that my husband had slept with this gay couple he had just met.
What was I going to do? I turned to God and my christian lady friends at work and church. I tried to make sence of it all. Finally I realized I had to go on living, crying was not helping the situation. Knowing that I would not be able to pay the house payment, i decided to start packing up my stuff and most of the kids clothes and some small amounts of furniture.
I had a place at the nature trails, so we would temporarily stay there until I could find a full time job and a 4 bedroom house where the rent was affordable. Then I checked the mail, and there before me was a repo letter for my van. My "wonderful" husband had stopped paying the van payment, it hadn't been paid in 4 months. In fact most of the bills had not been paid. What was I going to do. I had only had 2 very low paying part time Jobs and I could barely feed my kids let alone pay 2800 for the van that was to be paid in 2 weeks. I was separating and no money, I went to my favorite place to pray in the morning, and pray I did.
God led me to put my last 80 into the offering that morning, i had to trust God to help me. When I went to the home I would soon be completely moved out from, i noticed an envelope from my old employer, it had been sitting there for 2 weeks. I opened it, and i fell to my knees and thanked god, he is so good.
There in my hands was a check for 3400 in back pay. Enough money to pay off the van, get food in the house and buy a small flat screen TV to fit in the cramped trailer I was moving me and my kids into.
I would love to say that there has been no fighting over this process, but I started to learn of some really bad things my ex was doing around my kids when they were with him. He was physically abusive, mentally controlling and walking around nude and having my son take nude pictures of him. I turned him into CPS, and put a restraining order against him.
I was brought to court for unpaid lones, which I now have a garnishment against my wages for.
He now has time with the kids, but the kids don't want to be around him. He moved his boyfriend into the house about a month after we moved out. I still have things in that house, but will probably never see them again.
He is behind in child support, and i get told today, that I don't qualify for food stamps because I make to much money. .. the garnishment can not help me, because it isn't child support related.
I know God will provide, but I'm sure it's because I failed. I went on a dating site, actually I was on several. I met a guy and went out on a couple of dates. I was feeling so lonely, i know it's wrong and completely against my beliefs, but I slept with him. No my kids were not around, they were with their dad. I couldn't believe it, i was so dumb, he stopped talking to me, couldn't figure out what happened. Found out he went to visit his old girlfriend. When he did talk to me again, he apologized, brought me flowers, i melted, and after a drink, i made the mistake of sleeping with him again. Both times he had erectile dysfunction. I told him it didn't matter, we could work it out together. By this time I had strong feelings for him. But again, completely stopped talking to me.
So what do I do, i go online and start talking to someone, he seemed to gently care for me, and had a strong christian background. So i invited him to come over to my place, and walk down to the town carnival and walk around. I must have felt way to comfortable with him, because again I slept with someone I barely knew. Only this time, he did continue to talk to me, at least he did until I had to leave town to take my oldest kids to Oregon to meet my daughter's biological family. He did not talk to me, except to inform me that I might have an Std. And a chance I might get pregnant.
No thank the Lord I was not pregnant, but yes, I definitely had an std. By this time the first guy texted me and wanted to celebrate a victory in his life. But when I told him by text that I had been with someone else, he called me, he was so sweat and sincere in his thoughts and feelings about me. So i fell for him again. A week later, he came to see me. Then I texted no response, what was going on.... i told him I could not have that kind of relationship, i still haven't heard from him. ..
Then the second one, well we came to an end too. Now him, i have actually shed tears because of what he said to me. He said he was starting to fall in love with me, but he could not remain loyal, he needed to have sex and there was no way I could ever be away from him, but that wasn't all. He said that a relationship with me would be impossible because we lived to far apart, 25 miles, ya ok. But the worst of the statements made by him... he was embarrassed to be seen in public places with me, because of what people would think of him....
So today, I'm just wondering, is there really no guy out there, looking for a loyal loving lady like me? Or am I doomed to date jerks and a..holes all my life. ..
Saturday March 9, 2013. Started as most Saturdays do in western Washington for my family, boys sitting on the couch playing video games, and daughter watching utube on her phone or sleeping. My husband and I snuggling in bed and sometimes talking a little. But Saturday I looked out the window and was almost blinded by the sun. What a beautiful day.
God made a beautiful day so we could take a nice walk down to our developments private river access. What a nice time we had as a family. Thank you Lord.
What are my 3 loves?
My number one love is God. He has always been there for me, he has sent angels to hold me more times than I can count. He has given me so many joys in life. I have had the chance to see so many beautiful places, and meet so many new people.
My second love, I have my husband, a gift that God put into my life nearly 17 years ago. We had only a friendship back than, now we have so much more. And I believe God has so much more in store for us, if we would take the time.
My third, I was blessed to have 3 wonderful children. My daughter, a beautiful young lady that loves to read. She can make me laugh, and she believes in me, more than I do at times. My oldest son, he is such an encourager, he is a very sensitive boy, but he is tough and loves to please others. Even if he hates doing something he will say he had fun doing it. My youngest boy, he tries so hard to be like his big brother, he is so smart and talented. I can here him sing when he thinks no-one is listening. I love to here him sing.
I may not love everything about my life, but I appreciate every person God has given me so that I can have a family.
There is a song called I need a Miracle by Third Day.
I am sitting in my van listening to that song, waiting to drop off my son at school, and thinking about the things I need to get done today, and though it may not be much to some, at this point in my life, it is overwhelming.
Why do I attach the heart cookie picture? I made this cookie for my husband Michael for Valentine's Day. It is his favorite type of cookie, peanut butter. Everything I do may not turn out right but I do everything in love. This cookie was really good, but it is peanut butter and it did crumble a little bit. I find so does love, you see its not the only thing I gave him for Valentine's Day but the video I made him still sits unopened on his desk. Maybe he will watch it with me someday. Maybe he will love me again as he once did.
I am 40 years old, a loving wife and mother of three wonderful kids. I dedicate my life to my BIG God, My husband, my children, my self, and my job. I strive for them to be in that order.
